The genesis of this book really began to take shape a little over eleven years ago. That’s when I sat down, surrendered my fear and opened up to the rich possibilities that existed within me. I wanted to create work and a life that I’d love, something that would feed my soul and my family. Three and a half years later, I’d grown tremendously, but I was still struggling to find my place. That’s when, one day, sitting in my office, I cried out to no one in particular, "Why does life have to be so hard?"

"It doesn’t," a quiet voice within me replied. It’s you who makes life so hard. There is a better way."

It would be four more years before I’d learn this other way and make the breakthrough that motivated me to write my first book. I wanted to detail the lessons I had learned while they were still fresh in my mind. However, I spent very little time promoting that book, because even though I recognized that it had some value, I still hadn’t realized just how much. That, however, would change in the coming years.

In the years that followed writing the book, I went through some very turbulent times, with challenges that would eclipse anything I’d faced previously. This pressure inspired me to pull out my little book, read it over and over again and put the tools, insights and practices to the test. In so doing, I came to recognize just how immensely valuable these tools are. Others had told me as much, but I needed to experience that for myself. The experience left no doubt in my mind that anyone who took the time to understand and embrace these tools could move into, and through, any form of adversity or challenge successfully. It’s as simple as releasing the past, embracing the present and inviting a future with a focus on values. That inner voice was right; there is a better way.

In this world, one of our jobs is to recognize our inherent value and share it with others. In other words, we must come to know our most authentic self; and quite frankly that’s a pretty big job! It’s especially big because nobody else can do it for us. We have to do it for ourselves. Revealing mission, purpose and passion is an inside job. That’s what the following tools and suggestions are for. You might say that Taming the Tiger of Emotion is an exploration of your own inner toolbox.

On the top shelf of your toolbox you’ll notice a container marked Moment-to-Moment. In it, you’ll find tools that you’ll use on a moment-to-moment basis. These tools are called patience, surrender and acceptance. Patience, as I speak of it, refers to the ability to pause and consider your responses prior to taking action. Surrender is admitting that you don’t have all the answers, and acceptance is making peace with your feelings about the situation, whether you like the way it feels or not.

My introduction to these lessons came in the form of a little nine-year old teacher I’ll call Ben. Ben was the son of my live-in girlfriend; and he wasn’t to keen about his mom living with another man. He also had no problem making this known. As the Toltec’s say, Ben was my ‘petty tyrant’. They are the dutiful souls who are here to speed up our learning, and they teach by way of irritation.

Ben was a textbook example of a kid with A.D.D. He was bright, mischievous and was doing a fabulous job of showing me just how impatient a person I was. Ben knew where all my buttons were, and he was a master pusher. He had the ability to orchestrate his button pushing so as to produce maximum effect. I was putty in his hands, a real dunce in the dungeon.

One day, however, my inner voice suggested that it was time to grow in patience. It also mentioned that Ben would make a wonderful teacher. "Hey Bob, why don’t you switch roles," it snickered. "Let Ben be the nine-year-old and you be the adult!"

In order to accomplish this feat, I needed to learn to pause and consider my actions before I responded to Ben in any way. That meant I had to stop what I was focusing on, pay attention to Ben, recognize his needs or underlying intentions and respond in such a way that both our needs and desires were respected. This was no small feat, I can assure you, especially for this self-absorbed, self-concerned, middle-aged man!

With practice, however, I improved. The funny thing is that Ben improved as well. I had taken away his reason to teach. I had, with him anyway, learned to be patient. But what exactly does ‘learned to be patient’ mean? How did it show itself? What kind of shift was made?

‘Learned to be patient’ means that I no longer felt hostile, irritated or upset by Ben’s behavior or presence. I’d learned to accept Ben, as he was, without feeling the need to change him. Being patient (learning to pause and consider carefully my response) informed me inwardly that I was responsible for my feelings regarding Ben, not vice versa. The wisdom in patience also informed me of what it means to surrender and accept fully the present moment, including the people and circumstances in it.

Specifically, surrender is admitting that we don’t have all the answers. In other words, what we’re surrendering is our arrogance and intransigence, the inability to consider new thoughts, ideas or perspectives. The notion of surrender has its roots in the idea that a universal intelligence exists that is said to be omnipresent, omnipotent, omnificent and omniscient. This means that it is present everywhere, has infinite power, creates all things and has complete, or unlimited, knowledge. All major religions state this as their truth, and yet, most adherents like to make exceptions.

"What about this," we say, "and how about that." Certainly God wouldn’t approve of this person or that, this event or the other one. Something is wrong here. Something is certainly not right!" Of course, the closer to home these exceptions hit, the more violent we react emotionally to their occurring.

We react with impatience, anger, hatred, finger pointing, name-calling, physical violence and a whole array of counter-productive reactions. When we surrender, we become willing to consider that something larger may be at work and relinquish our personal positions. This doesn’t mean that we have to like the person or situation, condone the behavior or accept that this is how it will always be. It simply means that right here and now, we become willing to accept that this is how a particular person or situation is.

Surrender, in no way, shape or form means giving up or quitting. It doesn’t mean, if you feel angry or betrayed, to stop feeling angry or betrayed. It means to accept the possibility that the present moment is perfect just the way it is, even if it’s ugly, painful, hurtful, uncomfortable or otherwise annoying!

Something amazing happens when we admit we don’t have all the answers. Our perspective changes as we shift our focus. Before surrendering, we’re embroiled in the action. After surrendering, instead of being embroiled in the action, we observe the action as it is taking place. That enables us to be peaceful, even in situations we don’t agree with. It allows us to feel angry or hurt, without needing to retaliate; and because we’re observing the melee as it is taking place, we begin to see the present moment more clearly, as well as our part in giving rise to it.

What we’re really doing when we surrender is letting go of the energy we have invested in being right. We become willing to consider other points of view and entertain new information. Surrender creates the space to move towards new realities; it is, therefore, an expansion of awareness. Surrender opens the door to a state of being that I call acceptance.

Acceptance is what we feel when we’ve successfully surrendered to the moment. It’s also a word I hear bandied about by people who don’t fully appreciate its meaning. To accept doesn’t mean you have to feel good about something. In fact, you can accept something and feel really angry about it, if you chose.

For example, let’s say you’ve been in a long-term relationship and you find out that your partner’s been cheating. You feel angry, betrayed and hurt. You want to lash out at that other person and cause them as much pain as they’ve caused you. But before you lash out, you pause and surrender to the moment. You let go of your need to be right or condemn, and you accept all the feelings you have about the situation as valid and okay.

It’s okay that you feel angry. It’s okay you feel betrayed and hurt. It’s okay you feel like lashing out and hurting the other person. But, in that moment of surrender, an internal peace takes over that opens us up to consider new information and other possibilities.

That new information might sound like …perhaps my partner doesn’t have the self-restraint to be true …perhaps I’ve been ignoring my partner …or, even more enlightening …perhaps, I’ve been ignoring my own intuition that informed me about this behavior long ago. Maybe, my soul gave rise to this situation in order to get my attention. It’s been trying to tell me something really important about myself that I’ve been ignoring, and has created an event to cause me to wake up.

When I see the situation differently, I might recognize that what my partner did was a blessing in disguise. I’ll probably still feel sad; perhaps even hurt, but I’ll no longer be playing the role of the victim. I’ll be playing a role that empowers me to make informed decisions about my future, a future that may or may not include my present partner.

When we stop to consider new information, we’re acknowledging that we don’t know, in advance, how all the pieces of the puzzle come together. Perhaps, for example, my partner’s actions lead me to change residence or attend a group that assists people to come to terms with this issue. There, I meet some folks who work for a company I’ve always wanted to work for, but lacked the confidence to apply. These new friends discover my intention, make introductions and I land the job. Two years down the road, the pleasure and income I derive from the new job leave me feeling blessed and filled with gratitude. Had I known this outcome in advance, the situation with my partner wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much. But I didn’t know, did I? In fact, rarely do we know, in advance, how one moment is going to connect to the next. That’s the wisdom in surrender.

The following three steps bring us a sense of internal peace and optimism for the future.

I really believe that one of the greatest challenges humanity currently faces is learning to grow emotionally. That’s why I believe that patience, surrender and acceptance are so important. They’re tools we can employ, in challenging circumstances, to tame the reactive mind and move in new directions.

Of course, as we learn to use these tools, it’s likely we’ll make mistakes along the way. This is all part of the plan. Each new challenge tries our patience, shows us its limits and helps us to learn and grow. Eventually, this growth enables us to remain at peace even in the most challenging situations. That’s one of the gifts these challenges present.

The serenity prayer, originally published in Dr. Robbins` book of prayers, captures the essence of this first chapter beautifully. The prayer, long a mainstay of AA worldwide, asks us to recognize that some things are out of our control and to turn those things over to God. The prayer reads as follows:

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. My own experience has informed me that given the right circumstances, or conditions, even the best stumble and fall. That’s Earth School. It’s to be expected. That’s the reason for the following tool …it’s the one marked forgiveness!